did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
