trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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