This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
