a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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