and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
