I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
