apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
