I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
