You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
should my penis look like a turkey
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
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