filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
