I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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