I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
