There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize