margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
