Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
