I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Enjoy the penises
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
