Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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