The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
