I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
