no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
