I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
