some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
