One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
