6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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