Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
