A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
