I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
