3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
are you so shy because you have an std?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
