Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
