I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
