Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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