When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
