I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
