When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
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