the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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