Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
