You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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