I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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