alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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