How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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