just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
