I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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