I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
