Don't make out with my wife yet
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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