I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
