people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
