WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
