Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
