I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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