Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize