last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
