On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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