if you like me you must not know who I am
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
