I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
