How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
