Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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