That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
