I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
