I heard we made out
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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