Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
