Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
