life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
